Is it OK for a Woman to Pop the Question?

Of Course She Can — Proposal Guide

Tradition has long dictated that in heterosexual couples, it’s the man who should propose. However, since the feminist movements of the ’70s, this convention has been increasingly questioned, and the 2020s could be the decade it finally changes. Although still rare, women proposing to their male partners is not a new phenomenon—surveys indicate that only 5 percent of women in straight married couples have proposed. Attitudes are shifting, and women may soon experience the unique thrill of popping the question.

A 2015 survey by Glamour revealed that 70 percent of men would welcome a proposal from their female partner. This majority indicates a significant shift in deeply rooted social customs. Furthermore, more couples are now shopping for engagement rings together and sharing the cost, further diminishing the male dominance in proposals.

If you’re a woman contemplating proposing, go for it with confidence. “Of course, a woman can propose to a man,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, who has been counseling couples for four decades. But how should you go about it? We sought advice from experts to guide you.

If It’s Right, You’ll Know

As law professors advise aspiring attorneys, “It’s best not to ask a question you don’t already know the answer to.” Kevin Darné, a dating and relationship expert and author of My Cat Won’t Bark (A Relationship Epiphany), affirms, “Contrary to how marriage proposals are portrayed in movies, most people propose only when they are confident their partner will likely say yes.”

“Typically, couples have already had discussions about marriage and building a future together before a proposal,” Darné adds. “It’s not about if but when they will get married. You shouldn’t be in a position where you’re nervous, sweating bullets, and hoping the person who loves you wants to marry you.”

The male ego is a significant factor. Understand how much your partner values tradition. “Before proposing to your boyfriend, consider if he’s open to the idea,” says relationship expert Adina Mahalli, MSW. “If your boyfriend is more traditional, your proposal could catch him off guard—not in a cute way—and step on his toes. What if he has been planning the perfect proposal since he met you, and you steal his thunder? Ultimately, know your boyfriend well enough to determine if your proposal will be romantic.”

Don’t Propose Because of Insecurity or Fear of Loss

Both men and women can fall into this trap. “It’s not unusual for someone to propose because they sense their partner losing interest, cheating, or about to cheat,” explains Darné. “Sometimes, proposals are prompted by circumstances like military deployment or relocating for a job. Marriages based on circumstances rather than love are prone to failure. Getting married for the wrong reasons is as bad as marrying the wrong person.”

Keep the Proposal Simple

There’s no absolute right or wrong way to propose. However, avoid pressuring yourself to create an elaborate spectacle. “Make it a private moment between you two,” advises Tessina. “Save the grand gesture for the engagement announcement.”

Darné concurs, “Most men prefer not to draw significant attention to themselves in public settings. There’s no need for a woman to get down on one knee or have ‘Will you marry me?’ written across the sky. A ring isn’t necessary at the moment. If you’ve been in a long-term, loving, committed relationship and have discussed building a life together, your proposal can be casual.”

But how casual should it be? Darné suggests, “Maybe over breakfast, while walking and holding hands, or after making love, you could say something like, ‘We’ve talked about this before, and I’ve thought about it a lot—you’re the man of my dreams, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?'”

Choose a Setting with Personal Significance

For the proposal itself, select a location that holds meaning for you as a couple,” advises Tessina. “If you’ve had wonderful times at the zoo, propose there. If you both enjoy rock climbing, climb your favorite rock and propose at the top. Whether it’s a favorite restaurant or even a bowling alley, choose a place with personal significance. A local park where you jog or often talk is also great. What’s important is that the place is meaningful, memorable, and relatively private, not necessarily elaborate or expensive.”

Just Be You

While you might be challenging centuries-old traditions, some rules are meant to be broken. Remember, your proposal is about you and your partner. Don’t let societal expectations intimidate you. “Your proposal doesn’t differ from a typical male-initiated proposal more than male-initiated proposals differ from each other,” says Mahalli. “Authenticity, creativity, and a display of love are the fundamentals of a proposal. From there, it’s up to you—regardless of gender.”